My Breastfeeding Journey

I swear I didn’t plan on posting this during World Breastfeeding Week. I just finally found the time to finish sharing all of the details of my breastfeeding journey! I didn’t want to leave anything out, because for me it was QUITE the journey! There were some ups, and there were also a lot of downs. I don’t want to sugarcoat it, but I also don’t want to deter anyone from this option and/or choice. If anything, I just want to prepare anyone who might be thinking about breastfeeding!

THE HOSPITAL

Before giving birth, I knew this was something I wanted to do. I’m not entirely sure that I mentally prepared myself enough for it, though. I didn’t really know ANYTHING about breastfeeding other than it being a way to feed my baby. I had plans on taking breastfeeding courses so that I would at least have some sort of idea on the matter but with Covid happening during my pregnancy, those in-person classes were all cancelled. I tried to take classes virtually but I had so many questions and no one to answer them. I remember asking friends online for tips and someone telling me I’d figure it out, and that it would come naturally. If only things were that easy.

In case you missed my birth story, I had an emergency C-Section so I didn’t get immediate skin-to-skin with Penelope. In fact, several people held her before I got the chance to. Penelope was placed in my arms just as they started to wheel me from the operating room to my labor and delivery room (in which we stayed for maybe 10 minutes before being whisked away to our Mother/Baby room). I have ZERO memory of the very first time Penelope latched. All I have is this photo. After my c-section, I was so out of it that the nurses had to get my baby to latch in order to eat while I slept. Imagine, breastfeeding being an all time dream of mine, and literally dreaming while it’s happening. I can’t even remember the first time it happened.

In fact, the first actual memory I had of nursing Penelope was when a Lactation consultant came into our room and asked how it had been going. I THINK (and I’m sure my husband can correct me if I’m wrong) in my mind I hadn’t fed my baby yet – that in that moment, I was about to learn how to feed my baby for the first time… not realizing she had already been fed. She tried to walk me through it, and to this day I feel like I’m not certain that she actually latched properly. The only reason why I think this is because later that day, a new lactation consultant came in and I was still having a hard time feeding my baby – or at least I thought. I didn’t know the first thing about colostrum. In my mind, the way I imagined breastfeeding going was I would get my baby to latch and milk would just start flowing and she’d be gulping away! I didn’t know how big my baby’s stomach was on day 1, I didn’t understand how much she “should” be taking in. I also didn’t understand how compressions worked. I had zero clue that colostrum came first, and that after a few days actual milk would come next. I knew NOTHING. All I knew was that my “milk wasn’t flowing fast enough” and this yellow stuff was coming out too slowly. I grew frustrated with myself. My husband saw it. I grew frustrated with the lactation consultants, everyone who came in told me something different. At one point I even had two lactation consultants, one at each breast, compressing for me and trying to get her to properly latch (without really telling me what to do).

On the second day, I remember FINALLY figuring out the latch and understanding a little bit about what she should be getting. However, in trying to make me feel better, my husband said to me (while my baby was at the boob, actually drinking), “You know babe, not every woman is able to breastfeed and that’s okay.” When I tell you, I almost threw my slipper at him, I was so mad. It was so discouraging. It was the last thing I needed to hear, especially right when I had figured it out and my baby WAS drinking. I think that was the start of my determination, and my mama bear instincts kicking in.

Towards the end of day two, I noticed that when it came time to eat, she wouldn’t open her mouth. She was lethargic and her eyes just seemed tired. I can’t believe looking back, I took that personally. What was I doing wrong? Why was she rejecting me? Turns out, her bilirubin levels were low and she had jaundice. By day two, the nurses were pushing formula on her in an attempt to get her bilirubin levels back up. I was so disappointed in that decision, because I felt like it wasn’t up to me – Like I wasn’t given a choice.

So here I am, as a new mom. I didn’t get to give birth the way I wanted to, I didn’t get to hold her first, I didn’t really get to latch her first either, and here I am having trouble feeding her and now having to watch my husband give her bottles of formula while I sat in my hospital bed TRYING to pump. I say trying because I had NO idea what I was doing. A nurse just rolled the breast pump next to me with zero instructions on how to use it. Nothing was coming out.

Again, looking back, I realize that pumping during those moments was the best idea to teach my body that I still needed the milk. It only took me maybe 5 months to understand the why. However, in those 5 months, I also learned that pushing formula wasn’t necessary (but I’ll get on that later… keep reading)

After 5 days in the hospital, my husband and I were at each other’s throats. Listen, I love my husband, but you have to understand… We were alone in the hospital for FIVE DAYS, no visitors, no help, no idea what we were doing as first time parents. Each of us thought the other person was doing something the wrong way. We were just ready to leave. P’s bilirubin levels were finally in a good place that the doctors let us leave and I was doing a mix between formula and breastmilk. Mind you, if you know anything about formula feeding, we were giving her 40 mL of formula in between my nursing ATTEMPTS. I left the hospital discouraged at the start of my breastfeeding journey.

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FIGURING IT OUT AT HOME

When we got home, I did the best that I could with the information I was given. Like clock work every 2 hours, I would nurse my baby for 10-15 minutes on each side, and then I would pump immediately after. I remember the first day we got home from the hospital, I sat in the living room nursing Penelope, and as soon as I was done, I handed her off to my husband and I brought out my pump for the very first time. I pushed a few buttons, not really knowing what they meant, put the flanges to my chest and my mom goes, “what are you doing?”

“I’m pumping. I’m telling my body that I need more milk.”

“But you just fed her. She will tell you when she needs more milk. Just wait two more hours.”

I literally had NO idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I had a breast pump and I HAD to use it, and that I HAD to follow a strict schedule. Or at least I thought I did.

A little backstory on me. I work from home, so there was no timeline for me when it came to maternity leave. I didn’t HAVE to pump. I should have just nursed on demand. At the time I had no clue. But my mom was right. If I had to go back to work outside of the home or away from my baby, maybe pumping would have made more sense.

I was with my baby TWENTY FOUR SEVEN! All day, every day but somehow I thought I needed to do both – nurse and pump.

So the first few nights at home were probably the hardest. As a matter of fact, the first night we spent at home, Lance and I fought BECAUSE of breastfeeding. He was feeding her a bottle of formula while I was pumping on the other side of the bed. He couldn’t understand why I chose to pump rather than catching some sleep, also stating that what I was pumping wasn’t even a lot compared to how much we “had to give her from the formula bottle”. I think I might have thrown a pump part at him, I don’t remember… those first days are still somewhat of a blur.

On our first visit to the pediatrician, she pointed out that Penelope had lost a little bit of her birth weight – said it was normal for babies who have jaundice. She asked what I wanted to do as far as feeding went and I mentioned that I would like to breastfeed. She said “good!” and then proceeded to ask if I wanted Penelope to be part of a formula study. I declined, and already felt bitter that she asked.

We were asked to bring her in after 1 week to see if there would be a weight change.

In 1 week, she had gained 1 pound. Her pediatrician said it was good, but not great. She was growing at her own pace, but they didn’t see anything alarming. She had plenty of wet and dirty diapers throughout the day so her pediatrician wasn’t really concerned. But she did state that a half oz a day was good, but an oz a day was better. I was put under so much pressure. I remember that office visit, my mother in law suggested we give her formula for a week to “fatten her up” and that way next visit they’ll see she’s fine and we won’t have to come back.

I personally thought this was a horrible idea because that was just slapping a bandaid on a situation that was potentially concerning. I heard from my husbands side of the family all of the time that Penelope was so tiny, that the babies in their family were all big. I heard that I must not be feeding her enough or that my milk must not be fat enough. The amount of times I heard someone say “babies only cry when they are hungry” after I just finished feeding my baby made me want to cry myself. It was discouraging and made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough as a mother.

We went back to the pediatricians office a few more times. Each time, she had gained weight. She never lost weight, her weight was never stagnant, she was just gaining slowly compared to the growth chart. Ugh… I HATED that growth chart with a passion. Still, I was told that she was okay. I became obsessed at that point. I’m sure I put so much pressure on myself. I attempted to focus on nursing her 100%, but not necessarily feeding on demand. I stuck to a 2 hour schedule, nursing for 10-15 minutes on each side. Until our next visit, when we got a different pediatrician because our original doctor was out of office. She did a weight check on the spot after a nursing session and saw that she had gotten 4oz of milk which was a huge plus at that time! She mentioned that Penelope looked as though she had been meeting all of her milestones, that she had a great amount of wet and dirty diapers, that she had been growing at a steady pace on her “OWN” growth chart, and that she was just beautifully petite. She told us not to worry about her weight, to stop stressing myself out and to keep doing what we’re doing.

I FELT SO DAMN RELIEVED!

So I kept doing what I was doing. I was exclusively nursing. It was exhausting… EX-HAUS-TING! But I did my best. And I didn’t care who was around. My husband was the one that was most concerned about modesty and me “whipping it out”. I wasn’t worried about it though. And honestly, at the time, it was super convenient! If I didn’t have a bottle, there wasn’t a problem because I was all she really needed. I still managed to pump when I could. Usually this was after nursing her when I had my arms free, or in the middle of the night if she started to sleep for longer hours. I started to “build a stash”. This was probably where things started to get unhealthy for me mentally.

I mean, I’m sure that started far earlier in my breastfeeding journey but I distinctly remember treating pumping as a race. I compared myself to other mothers I didn’t even know online. I would see photos of their “milk stash” in their freezers. I’d watch videos of other moms sharing how they pumped 80mL of breastmilk a DAY and questioned my own milking abilities. I started to think something was wrong with me. I began taking supplements. Liquid Gold pills, lactation cookies, drinking bottles of Body Armour every day… doing the ABSOLUTE MOST.

I would be so disappointed in myself if I couldn’t produce more than 2 oz while pumping – ALL AFTER ALREADY HAVING NURSED MY BABY! I didn’t understand that pumping after nursing is considered “left overs” from a meal my baby had already had. I was competing against myself, and I always thought I was losing.

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MASTITIS AND MORE PROBLEMS

Then came super engorged breasts! I wouldn’t say I had an oversupply. I just don’t think that my baby was fully emptying me out, and I couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was because I was pumping after nursing and teaching my body that I did in fact need more milk. Whatever the reason, I was engorged and engorged BAD! To the point where one day, at around 6 o’clock in the morning, I woke up with horrible chills, felt extremely nauseous and thought I had been hit with Covid BAD. Turns out, it was just mastitis.

My symptoms were so bad that my husband came home from work, put me in a tub filled with hot water and massaged my breast hard enough to get the milk to come out in streams. It hurt so bad I nearly passed out.

After my one day fight with mastitis, I vowed to never let it get to that point. I nursed my baby as often as I could, still pumping when I could, too. And then one day… my baby had a massive diaper blow out.

See, Penelope had frequent wet and dirty diapers, then all of a sudden a few months in she stopped pooping. Not a day had gone by where she didn’t poop, so it was strange to us. Two days had gone by, and nothing. Tons of wet diapers, though. I grew concerned, called the pediatrician and they said it was normal. So I wasn’t worried about it, and then on the third day… massive diaper blow out. It happened when I wasn’t home so I managed to get a photo of said explosion from my husband. During our next pediatrician appointment (after she praised Penelope’s steady growth and milestones achieved), I showed her the photo and Penelope was immediately diagnosed with a dairy allergy. No test, no further observation. I was handed a 12 pack of dairy free formula and we were on our way.

At that point I thought, okay, maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe she’s just allergic to my milk. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t been gaining fast enough. I eat dairy ALL OF THE TIME! I tried to give Penelope the dairy free formula but she just wouldn’t take it, so I attempted to mix it with my breastmilk a little at a time, and from that moment forward we got her hooked.

I was instructed to nurse my baby first and then “top her off” with 1oz of formula, and at night giving her a full 4oz of formula before bed. I was also instructed to cut out dairy from my diet and to “toss” the milk I had saved up because it has dairy in it and is no longer good for my baby. Something in my gut told me to hold on to the milk, though.

All of this change happened because of one photo from one diaper blow out that happened after just two days of no poop. I had gone all of these months having dairy while nursing my baby without a problem and now all of a sudden she has a dairy allergy? I went a few weeks trying to avoid dairy and then one day, I had some cheese on my sandwich. Then another day I had some pizza, and another day I had some ice cream. (Don’t judge my eating habits okay… I was emotional). I was hesitant at first, thinking that it might do harm to my baby but after the first day and seeing no change in my baby’s diapers nor in her actions, I had a little bit more. Still, because of several arguments between my husband and I on how rapidly our baby was gaining weight, him just believing my breastmilk wasn’t enough for her, and him also believing that she indeed did have a dairy allergy, we kept her on the formula and breastmilk combo. I felt defeated.

Why is it that when I pumped while she had her formula, I was able to pump 4-5 oz of milk, yet she wasn’t gaining quickly enough while nursing alone? Why was it that when I looked at the milk I had pumped, there was a layer of fat at the top, yet she wasn’t gaining quickly enough while nursing alone? Why was it that she was content after each feeding, yet SHE WASN’T GAINING QUICKLY ENOUGH WHILE NURSING ALONE? I felt like something was not right. I had seen photos of “proper latches” and had a gut feeling that after nearly 5 months of nursing my baby, she still wasn’t latching the way she should have. And then one day, in an attempt to better see a tooth coming in I saw the inside of her upper lip.

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THE LIP TIE

I had read about tongue and lip ties in multiple breastfeeding forums and this (to me) had looked like a lip tie. After reading about what lip ties can do to feeding, I had wondered if this was the reason she had been gaining at such a slow pace. I remember showing my mother in law this photo, feeling very optimistic and somewhat determined to explain that this was the reason why my baby hadn’t been gaining quickly enough. Her response was “I don’t think that’s a lip tie, you’d think they would have caught that by now”. All I could think was… well, yeah… BUT NO ONE EVER CHECKED INSIDE OF MY BABY’S MOUTH.

During our 6 month visit with the pediatrician, I had mentioned that while nursing (and giving formula) I had been indulging in dairy without any problems. She mentioned that it seems as though she doesn’t have a dairy allergy then. But encouraged the continued use of formula because she had gained rapidly since our last visit. We were switched from dairy free to regular formula. It was then that I asked if she thought Penelope might have a lip tie. She first checked my photo, and then checked her mouth and said “yes, that does look like a lip tie”. After asking if that could be a reason why she had been gaining slowly while nursing alone in the past she said, “that very well could have been the reason”. I was referred to a feeding specialist.

I felt such a mix of emotions. I felt relieved (again) but I also felt mad. Angry almost. Why didn’t anyone check this early on? Why was formula the one answer to a problem that my baby had been going through since day one? Why was I the one attacked for my baby’s slow weight gain? Why did I have to go through so much stress for 6 months to finally understand that it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my milk, an that something could have been done about this from the beginning.

When I tell you, I cried when meeting with the specialist. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. She could tell that I was so upset. She also mentioned that some pediatricians aren’t educated enough when it comes to lactation or breastfeeding. All they know is that there are tons of benefits, but don’t fully understand the science because they weren’t taught about it.

After evaluating Penelope, she told me that P did have an upper lip tie, and also a high palette which was effecting the way she was both latching and taking in milk while nursing. She stated that at this age, she wasn’t sure that a laser would really change the way she would take in milk while nursing. Penelope had already grown accustomed to nursing the way that she did and now that we had been given the green light to start giving her solids, fixing a lip tie might not be necessary. So our game plan at that point was to boost my supply, nurse as often as I could (on demand) and giving her a bottle of breastmilk at night.

I felt better knowing we had a game plan, but the older Penelope got, the busier our lifestyle got and as much as I wanted to nurse Penelope every 2-3 hours, I just couldn’t. I had someone watching Penelope a few times a week so that I was able to get work done and as much as I told myself that I’d pump while someone was giving her a bottle of either breastmilk or formula, I didn’t. I found myself going 4 or 5 hours between feeding or pumping and sometimes those 4-5 hours turned to 6-8 hours.

Naturally after going several hours between feedings, when I finally did get time to sit down and pump, I noticed I’d get 7-8oz worth. I was proud of the mini stash I had been collecting but I knew deep down inside 7-8oz wasn’t an every time thing. And please, if you’re looking at this photo – DO NOT COMPARE THIS PHOTO TO WHAT YOU ARE PRODUCING IF YOU ARE BREASTFEEDING! THIS IS NOT A TYPICAL PUMP SESSION! It’s not like every time I’d feed my daughter, she’d get 7-8oz. I mean, she SHOULDN’T have been taking that much in every feeding anyway. IT’S JUST WHAT MY BODY HAD PUT OUT AFTER NOT FEEDING MY BABY OR THE PUMP FOR SEVERAL HOURS! I think it was around that time that I knew I wouldn’t be meeting my personal goal.

But I pushed through it as long as I could. There were so many benefits to breastmilk! And now that we’re in the middle of a pandemic, I think I was also determined to keep going, even after getting my vaccine to possibly provide my baby the antibodies passed through my breastmilk.

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WEANING

I challenged myself to make it to 1 year of breastfeeding, be it nursing or bottle feeding. But let me say that again: I challenged MYSELF to make it to 1 year of breastfeeding. I noticed that in most of these moments, I made it about me and not about my baby. I had some sort of personal conflict with myself stemming back to Penelope’s birth. I somehow blamed myself of the c-section, blamed my body for “failing my baby” and sort of believed that I needed to overcompensate by breastfeeding my baby as long as I could – more than a year if possible. I kept telling myself I HAD TO DO THIS.

I made it to 11 months. Can I even say that genuinely? Okay, wait… let me clarify.

I made it to 11 months nursing my baby as much as I possibly could. In that last month, I nursed my baby 2 times a day – first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. I wasn’t even really pumping any more. I just didn’t want to, I was tired of it. In between nursing my baby, I was giving her saved breastmilk combined with formula. I knew that we were just weeks away from introducing whole milk so I was trying to be strategic with my measuring to make my breastmilk stash last as long as it could.

I started to notice that Penelope was being very active while nursing. She was crawling all over me and doing what felt like backflips while she was having her milk. I knew this was normal at her age but it wasn’t until I noticed that she would stay on one side for maybe a minute and a half before switching to the other side and then alternating back and forth that I felt something was up. I read about how it could be a sign that she wasn’t getting enough milk and I just knew what I had to do. Like I said, I was just nursing her two times a day, no pumps in between – it just made sense. My body was naturally weaning.

So on May24th , I decided to nurse my baby to sleep for the very last time. When I tell you, I CRIED MY EYES OUT. It felt like a breakup. I crawled into my husbands arms and just CRIED. SOBBED LIKE A CHILD. I knew it was the last time I’d have that bond with her before bed. I almost can’t even explain what I had been feeling but I was heart broken.

I went one more week nursing my baby once a day, first thing in the morning and then I just stopped. I wanted to, but I also knew I had to. I felt like I was ready to just stop altogether. I didn’t cry this time. I just whispered a few things to Penelope during my last nursing session, telling her that I still love her (which I’m sure she already knew) and that I hoped she was proud of how far we had gotten with breastfeeding (which I’m sure she didn’t really understand but told myself she WAS proud).

I still had just a few more bags of breastmilk left that lasted me that last month and maybe even a few more weeks after. When I got to my last bag, I decided to keep it in the freezer for an emergency – a sick day. Penelope hadn’t really gotten sick in that year, thank God. A few weeks ago, she had gotten a cold (runny nose, congestion, and slight cough) The pediatrician said she might have RSV but didn’t test her for it and decided to treat her as if she did. Lance and I naturally panicked a bit because there had been dangerous cases of RSV in our area with babies and toddlers. One night, I had placed the last bag of breastmilk in the fridge to thaw overnight so that I could give her the breastmilk first thing in the morning.

Well… I completely forgot about it. I didn’t even notice it in the fridge until the next night when I had already put Penelope to sleep. I broke down crying. I felt like I had failed my baby again. I put SO MUCH worth behind my milk, behind breastfeeding. It took me a while to realize that as long as my baby was fed and happy (however that may have been), that she was going to be okay.

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WHAT I’VE LEARNED

Okay, I get that this post was ridiculously long but like I said, I didn’t want to leave anything out. So if you skimmed to the bottom, here are some cliff notes and bonus facts I’ve learned on this journey!

• Everyone’s journey is different. No two babies are the same, and no two birthing or breastfeeding experience will be the same. It is imperative that we DO NOT COMPARE our journey to others, but rather learn what we can to ENHANCE our experiences in a positive way. If at any point, someone’s experience or journey makes you feel inferior or discouraged… WALK AWAY! You are doing the best that you can and that is all that matters.
• Find an Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC). One you can trust. One that’s going to be on your side.
• THE BEST WAY TO BOOST YOUR SUPPLY IS TO FEED YOUR BABY. JUST KEEP FEEDING YOUR BABY! Cookies are yummy and all, but it’s not going to boost your supply. Effectively removing milk will!
• Here’s one I was shocked to learn. You CAN have that glass of wine while breastfeeding. If you’re feeling boozy or tipsy though, you should probably wait it out to feed. If you absolutely cannot feed your baby but don’t want to miss out on your “feeding window”, pump! Never dump though. You can definitely save the milk, mark it and use it for other purposes like a milk bath for rashes!
• Breastfeeding “clothes” aren’t really necessary. Just find some cute comfortable tops that can be stretched or unbuttoned up to for easy access. You have no idea how many nursing dresses and tops I purchased that I didn’t really use because number one, they weren’t really cute. But also, they served the same purpose as any other top or dress I had in my closet with boob access. In my closet I thought, if my husband can get to second base, my baby can get to her milk.
• FIND A BREAST FRIEND. Seriously, finding a friend who is either currently nursing/pumping or has in depth experience with nursing/pumping is SO VERY IMPORTANT for support! You have no idea the amount of times I had breastfeeding convos with my husband where I felt so discouraged because he just didn’t understand and called a friend who was in my same boat that totally got it. It’ll remind you that you aren’t alone in this journey.
• THE CLOCK DOES NOT MATTER AND YOUR BABY DOES NOT CARE WHAT TIME IT IS, when she’s hungry, she will let you know.
• DRINK A LOT OF WATER! And just when you think you’ve had enough, you haven’t… drink some more! I told my mom the first few nights of breastfeeding, I felt like I had this insatiable thirst… Like I was living in the Sahara Dessert while I was nursing. It was always within the first few seconds of her drinking.
• Don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot produce enough for your baby. What you produce is based on how well your baby latches, how often they breastfeed, and how well the baby is able to effectively pull milk from your breasts. If all of these matters are attended to, you will produce exactly what your baby needs.

I swear I’ve learned so much more in this last year, and even still learning! Especially through this week being World Breastfeeding Week. I wanted to share more of my journey and also more of what I’ve learned in an Instagram Live that I’ll be doing with one of my “Breast Friends”, IBCLC Priscila Medina! She has helped me on NUMEROUS occasions throughout my breastfeeding journey and if you have any questions at all, NOW is the time to ask! We’ll be going live on Saturday, August 7th at 2pm Eastern time.

Like I said, this has been a super long post but it’s been quite the journey! God willing, if we are blessed with another baby, I’d certainly like to try again. To my future self, trust your mommy instincts and stop comparing yourself to other momma’s journeys. You are all your baby needs.