My Struggle With Postpartum Depression
I just have to take things one day at a time. That’s what I tell myself every day. I’m going to share something with you that up until recently, I’ve been entirely ashamed about. With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve found the courage to tell my story so that any other new moms out there experiencing something similar feel heard, seen, and validated in their feelings and struggle.
I had always dreamed of being a mother – Having a few little ones running around while I baked their favorite snacks… baby on hip, fresh face, greeting my husband at the door with a big smile on my face. That was the life I thought I wanted; the life I thought I’d live. Soon after our baby girl was born, I got a major reality check. I obsessed over protecting my baby to the point where I only thought in a “worst case scenario” ways. I was so sleep deprived that I was angry all of the time. I felt burnt out. I used the pandemic as an excuse to not leave the house, I really didn’t want to go anywhere. I had several outbursts of uncontrollable rage mixed with hyperventilated crying. I felt the pressure of needing to carry out motherhood like the picture perfect mommy profiles on Instagram that seemed to have it all figured out. It was overwhelming, and for several months I felt like something was wrong with me.
I had always heard about postpartum depression, and honestly, I tried to mentally prepare myself for it. I mean, I finished the second half of my pregnancy in the middle of a pandemic, isolated from my family and friends. I started to feel tidbits of depression while baby girl was still in the womb. I remember feeling lonely, just wanting to curl up on the sofa and do nothing, feeling hopeless. Feeling as if the world was coming to an end. But after giving birth, things changed. I didn’t necessarily feel sad, I was just exhausted – ALL OF THE TIME. It didn’t help that I am a control freak and felt the need to do things myself, even if others offered to help. So I didn’t really tie these emotions or feelings to postpartum depression. I just thought I was simply tired.
It also didn’t help that a lot of my outbursts were targeted towards my husband, Lance. Let me tell you, these first months were TOUGH on us. But the more I look back at the beginning stages of parenthood for us, the more I understand that it was us not knowing how to communicate in this new role. I could not verbally explain what I was feeling and Lance took things personally because of it which lead me to feel defeated as both a mother and as a wife.
One sleepless night during a 2am feed while scrolling through motherhood articles, I came across the terms Postpartum Anxiety and Postpartum Rage. I went through the signs listed in the articles I read and thought to myself… this is it. This is what I’ve been going through. And I felt like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Not entirely, though. I mean, I still wasn’t sure how to handle these feelings or stop the emotions from happening. I’m 10 months in and experiencing a lot of these things to this day. But at least I had a start, and with a start comes a finish and a track in between.
So let’s quickly go through what I’ve found: Baby Blues, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, and Postpartum Rage.
Baby Blues
Baby Blues are feelings of sadness that a woman may have in the first few days after having a baby. About 4 in 5 new moms have baby blues and it can happen 2 to 3 days after you have your baby. Baby Blues can typically last up to 2 weeks.
Postpartum Anxiety
Postpartum Anxiety Disorder affects about 10 percent of new moms. The most prominent signs are excessive worrying, racing thoughts, and feelings of dread. Other signs and physical symptoms include lack of concentration, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, dizziness, hot flashes, rapid heartbeat, and nausea. In the majority of cases, Postpartum anxiety can be experienced anywhere between birth and the first birthday (sometimes even during pregnancy).
Postpartum Depression
Postpartum Depression can cause several mood swings, exhaustion, and a sense of hopelessness. It affects about 15 percent of first-time moms and even experienced moms. Its symptoms can interfere with your ability to function, leaving you feeling sad and crying a lot without always knowing why. There are unexplained feelings of irritability, anxiousness, and anger with sudden changes in your mood. You can have difficulty remembering things and feel out of control. You have no interest in things you used to enjoy, and you could even feel disconnected from your baby. You could also have intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby. These symptoms are most likely to pop up within a few weeks of delivery but in other times, you won’t notice postpartum depression until months later. Depending on the severity, without treatment, your symptoms could continue to worsen.
Postpartum Rage
Postpartum Rage (or postpartum anger as others may call it) typically accompanies Postpartum depression and is sometimes the dominant feature in that disorder. This rage can come in situations that might not seem related to motherhood at all – think traffic, house maintenance, or triggering conversations. I can feel like your blood is boiling or simmering, or even exploding altogether. You may feel out of control, physically and mentally and may even find yourself yelling or screaming. You may have difficulty controlling your temper and feel like you’re burning through a short fuse. There may even be physical expressions of anger such as punching or throwing things.
My reality is that I’ve experienced something in each of these categories. The biggest moment for me was probably an argument I had with Lance about my lack of sleep, expressing how tired I was, but not going to take a nap when he offered to help with the baby. It was strange. No matter how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t bring myself to go to sleep because I felt like if I did, that I was being a bad mother. Choosing myself over my baby. That guilt forced me to stay up. Naturally, that lead to an argument that to this day, I don’t understand how I let things get that far. I guess I sort of blacked out. I was yelling about how exhausted I was, blaming him for not letting me sleep, even though I knew he was giving me that opportunity. It was a weird out of body feeling. I saw myself screaming, crying, flailing my arms in the air with despair. I wanted to break something. I felt like I needed to. I opened the cabinet, grabbed a glass cup, walked outside, and smashed it on the ground. Immediately after, I was brought back to earth and I felt so ashamed of what I had done. I fell to the ground crying my eyes out with defeat. I saw it happening, and I still let it get to that point.
I knew I needed to seek help, fast. I felt like I was losing control of myself, and it was a feeling that scared me to the bone. I remember asking my mom in the first few months of postpartum life if she had ever experienced postpartum depression with her three pregnancies. Her response was, and I quote, “NO! I didn’t have TIME for postpartum depression” – further explaining that with raising my older half sisters, along with quickly going back to work, there was no room for feeling depressed or crying. She also told me that if she ever felt like she couldn’t handle it, she would just pray and suddenly feel better. To which I thought… ‘so there WERE moments where she felt like she couldn’t handle it’. When I brought up that I was seeing a therapist, I don’t think she welcomed the idea. Or maybe she just didn’t understand it.
For many Latinos of older generations, only “crazy” people see therapists and that if you have a personal problem that needs fixing, you leave it to Jesus (or the priest). But I can’t seem to fathom the idea of speaking to a man who has never experienced what I’m going through. Funny story. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was seeing a therapist because I was crying uncontrollably and couldn’t figure out why. Mind you, that therapist was an older male. He said I had severe anxiety. A few days later I took a pregnancy test. Turns out I was just pregnant and my hormones were out of whack. So naturally, I felt that finding a new therapist that specialized in postpartum mental health was imperative for me to get through what I’ve been feeling.
So now that I am on this journey of taking care of my mental health as a new mom, I’ve learned a few things along the way that have helped me handle and overcome some of these postpartum disorders. I’ve got 7 tips to share:
1. COMMUNICATE
Seriously, this is my number one. Sharing your feelings with your partner or a friend or family member might seem intimidating. Will they understand? Will they judge? Will they see me differently? If you’d rather talk to someone who you know will keep things confidential – someone who won’t judge, find a medical professional. If you are looking for a therapist to help with your feelings around postpartum disorders, I’d recommend asking your Primary Care Physician or even your OBGYN to refer you to a therapist that specializes in postpartum disorders. I also recommend asking your Primary Care Physician or OBGYN because in some cases, there could be an underlying issue that you may be unaware of that is causing these mood swings or emotions. Antidepressants might also be prescribed depending on the severity of the disorder. If you’re not quite ready to speak to a therapist, maybe reach out to another mother you trust. Someone who might have a similar experience as you.
2. Take Note
For me personally, I’ve had to create a list of triggers – particularly for my postpartum rage. I have a bad habit now with this rage to feel the need to break things. Am I proud of it? Not at all. Am I now aware of it and seeking to better myself through identifying triggers, absolutely! If you find yourself having exploded to the point of rage, try to remember what it was that set you off. It could be the slightest thing but once it’s identified, it’s easier to handle them in the future.
3. Get Some Sun and Fresh Air
I go outside with my baby, a lot now. This might seem insignificant but I promise you that a lot of my anxiety came from just being cooped up at home. Even just going outside to feel the rays of the sun on my skin helped. Vitamin D is known to flip the mood switch so why not give it a shot next time you’re feeling down? Going on a walk down the street gave me enough fresh air that I needed to feel sane sometimes and just lighten my mood.
4. REST
Rest. Get it while you can. If there were days where I felt burnt out, I tried to go to bed early. After putting my baby down to sleep, if there were a million things left to do in the house (clean, work, shower… yeah girl… even shower) I’d say screw it and put it off until the next day. That way I knew I’d get the max amount of sleep I possibly could before the baby woke up. Or I’d take naps during her nap time. I used to hate hearing “sleep when the baby sleeps” but my God that makes a huge difference! If my husband was able to help me on his days off, I’d ask him to let me sleep in. Sleep is a serious game changer.
5. Exercise
Better said than done after having a baby, am I right?? Once your doctor clears you though, consider getting the blood flowing with light exercise! I recently got back on ClassPass to get into a routine of working out again, even if it’s a virtual class that I can do after Sweet Pea has gone to sleep. If you’re not wanting to take a full on workout class, consider starting small. Any sort of physical activity will do – stretching, walking with your baby, sex with your partner (if you aren’t still too tired for that – I know sometimes I am!)
6. Make Time for Self Care
This one was big for me (and it’s something I’m still working on, but have found that it helps). Sometimes the idea of putting myself first brings on so much mom guilt. Trust me, I could write a whole blog post about Mom Guilt because that struggle is so real! But self care really is going to help get out of that PPD or PPA funk. It can be anything from reading a book alone, going shopping, getting your hair done or even just going on a walk. A girls day can count as self care, too! Meeting up with old friends to unwind can help get your mind off of the worries of mommyhood.
7. Adjust Your Expectations
I’ve come to terms with the realization that there will be good days and there will be bad days and most of the time, this will be out of my control. For the bad days, I repeat to myself that this is all temporary and that God will never give me more than I can handle.
Above all, remember to give yourself grace. This is probably the biggest thing that has helped me cope. Understanding that postpartum depression is normal. Postpartum anxiety is normal. Postpartum rage is normal. Seeking help is normal and in no way shameful. The moment I started cutting myself some slack was the moment I started to let go of the anxiety. We as new mothers go through SO MUCH in this first year and many times, we think there isn’t really a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t speak for everyone when it comes to this topic because there are some lucky ones out there that don’t experience any of these symptoms. Good for them! More power to them in getting through this first year! But if you are someone struggling with any of these feelings, I want to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! This is HARD, but you are NOT ALONE and you do not have to go through this alone. And I promise, I PROMISE, things will get better. Just reach out and share those feelings with someone who can help you with a resolution, and take things one day at a time.
Un Besito,
Rocío
About The Author
Rocio Isabel
