What I Learned From My Second Cesarean

April was C-Section Awareness Month and by the amount of Justin Timberlake memes I saw yesterday, I knew I would be a day late in sharing this.  I’ve been having issues with photos and videos on my phone lately and all of a sudden my videos from both Penelope and Rivers birth were gone and i damn near lost it. Turns out they were in the cloud 

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I was going back and forth debating on whether or not to share this. I mean, I was pretty transparent about most of my pregnancy, (the good, the bad, and the hemorrhoids )… but there’s something about sharing the actual birth process of Baby 2 that came with a side of caution and it took me until C-Section Awareness Month to roll around for me to understand why I was holding back. 

Birth can be traumatic, especially C-Sections (and I’m mainly talking about emergency C-Sections). When I had Penelope in 2020, I was hopeful for a Vaginal delivery. That just wasn’t in the cards for me I guess and God had other plans. The whole experience was traumatic. (Throw in a worldwide pandemic and it’ll kick the trauma up a notch!) It took me two years to even WANT to have another baby because I didn’t want to relive that trauma. But when Lance and I finally decided for a second round, I knew I wanted to do things differently.

I needed a different scenery, nothing that would remind me of the first time. I did as much research as any sane first time mom would do. I decided (for myself) that the second time around, I was going to have a VBAC. I found a hospital and group of midwives that I felt comfortable with that really heard my trauma story and my concerns, and helped me throughout the pregnancy with anything I needed to prepare me for the big day. I even hired a Doula (that was recommended by SEVERAL moms in the Baton Rouge area). All I needed was a sign off from my post-op report of my first C-Section. Unfortunately, we got the report 7 months later and ultimately it reflected an extended incision putting me at a high risk for uterine rupture. 

I

WAS

DEVASTATED 

I mourned for a couple of weeks. I had this vision in my head of a natural water birth as I had seen in so many videos circulating the interwebs and Had convinced myself that I too could have the birth of my dreams

But at the end of the day, it is not my will, but God’s. It was so hard not to be angry. Whatever was the safest option for my baby (and myself), was the route I agreed upon. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t utterly disappointed in myself. I put the blame on myself for so many reasons that now looking back just didn’t make sense. Like maybe if I had taken more prenatal yoga while I was pregnant with Penelope, I would have had more flexibility and my pushing wouldn’t have taken two hours and she would have been healthy and I wouldn’t have needed a c-section because she wouldn’t have been wedged in there and they wouldn’t have had to yank her out and I wouldn’t have had an incision and that incision wouldn’t have been extended and my second pregnancy wouldn’t have been about preparing for a Vbac but rather another natural vaginal birth with sushi waiting for me after the final push. Seriously, does that sound as stupid as I now see it was? 

Once I came to accept the fact that I would be having another c-Section, I began to prepare. I did everything possible to be ready, and that began with breaking down my fears to my OB (whom I had met a WEEK before my surgery due to the fact that we thought this WHOLE TIME I would be having a Vbac). I dont know if it’s because she reminded me so much of my older sister, it because every midwife I met with said she was THE BEST, but I had so much trust in this woman and believed her when she said she would do everything possible to give me a gentle, peaceful birth that was far from traumatic. 

She advised that I put together a playlist, she agreed that a clear drape would be best because I wanted to feel included this time and not like a body on a table that felt forgotten when I had Penelope. “That was everyone’s deliver but yours” she said very comfortingly while validating my grief from my first c-section. And lastly, she allowed for both my husband and my mother be there every step of the way (including the spinal tap which lance wasn’t present for when I had P). 

I guess word got around at the hospital that I had severe anxiety about my delivery because EVERY SINGLE PERSON that I came in contact with asked how I was feeling, and assured that I was in good hands. 

Then, it was go-time. 

They turned on the playlist and i tried to focus on my breathing (and on meeting my baby after all of this). Before I knew it, River made her debut. Pj Morton’s Let Go and Let God was playing at the exact moment when they were pulling her out and I was overwhelmed with emotions hearing “let go and let God” repeat over and over, reminding me that this is His will, His plan, and with trust and faith in Him, all will be okay. Then to hear Oceans playing while I was finally holding River in my arms, I was filled with an abundance of gratitude.

It’s not the delivery I originally was asking for when I found out I was pregnant with River, but I can say without a doubt that it’s the delivery I needed to heal the trauma I experienced with my first. 

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A post shared by Rocio Isabel (@larocioisabel)

So here we are (a day after the end of) C-Section Awareness Month. I ultimately decided to share this video because I am one who has experienced the most traumatic experience of my life, and one of the most peaceful experiences of my life… both by the same surgery, a C-Section. And if there’s one thing I can tell you is that if it’s your choice to have an elective c-section, ask your doctor for what’s known as a “gentle cesarean”. And if you’re someone who is hoping for a vaginal first delivery or even a V-Bac, it’s okay to be prepared for a plan B. Do what is ultimately best for you and your baby. 

Either way, do your research on the c-section surgery process to familiarize yourself with what to expect. Do your research on post-op care, scar care. Jaundice in your baby. Skin to skin. Find a lactation consultant and do your research on what can happen in the beginning stages of breastfeeding BECAUSE of your section. BE PREPARED. 

And with anything in all stages of motherhood, give yourself grace.